I Come From Swindon...

I come from Swindon. Someone has to. Repeatedly called the ''worst place in England'', it's no wonder people want to get out as soon as they're old enough to have an opinion. People hardly ever do, though. Not for long. Oh, they'll talk about their great holidays to France or Spain, but they always come back to show off their tan to the rest of us pale folk - especially the northerners.
I myself have spent much of my life north, both in England and Scotland. The usual stereotypes to the ''British'' seem to fade the further north you go. The ''sexy accents'' and ''tea'' are lost halfway up the motorway and instead ''brutality'' and ''miserable bastard'' tend to replace them. It's rarely true. In fact, I would go as far as to switch the two around. Were you to travel up north and then return to Swindon, it would be reminiscent to Lucifer being banished from Heaven to Hell... Just with less fire and death and more traffic accidents and alcohol. Sometimes a combination of the two. You would certainly imagine that's how they got their licence in the first place, what with their driving skills -- or lack there-of. If you planned to travel anywhere, anywhere in Swindon, I could guarantee you that there would be at least one car crash on the journey and traffic lights that seem Hell-bent on raising your stress.
When you live in a place like Swindon, your best bet of making friends is on-line social websites. The local area can be somewhat daunting, especially with the vicious predator known as 'teenagers' so great in number prowling the streets. Great if you're an out-going teenager yourself... Not so much if you're anyone else. Of course, when on these websites, you don't specify from whereabouts in England you are. You just tell them that you're a British gentleman/lady and spend your days perfecting your vocabulary to the utmost standard, drinking tea, eating scones, and adding the word ''bloody'' at least five times to a sentence to enforce the point that you are irritated, yet still talking in a polite, formal tone.
One thing you'll learn about Swindon and it's Swindonian inhabitants is that we are extremely sore losers. In fact, there's a great recipe for entertainment in this particular area: Firstly, take two people born and bred in Swindon. Any two. Secondly, get them to agree to play a game such as Rock, Paper, Scissors. Lastly, stand back and watch as they begin to argue and debate at great length about how the other person was cheating and that they themselves most certainly weren't. Some people find this a better show than football. They are probably right. In fact, I could make a living by selling tickets of us in intense verbal debates or having thumb wars.
With all this being said, some would argue that Swindon is not that bad a place to live in. There are those that live in worse areas: As an example, no matter how much English people defend our capital, there is no doubt that it is not the most desirable place in our country. My brother, Matthew visited a friend of his in London for a week or two. He was robbed at least five times in the first few days and completely put off public transport after a particularly malicious bus driver. Matthew invited his friend to Swindon for a week in return. The friend was in awe; ''Wow! These people are so much nicer than those back in London! I've only been insulted fourteen times!''
If there's one thing that most Swindonians are familiar with, it's television programmes -- Dr. Who especially. As a British sci-fi programme, this is hardly surprising considering the Swindon-born actress who starred in it. Billie Piper was lucky in the sense of being recognised not for her birth place, but for her talent. With this in mind, those who lived in the area of Swindon seemed to retire to their living rooms whenever the programme was about to be aired. Anyone who wasn't in front of a television would be found complaining about how they wished they were in front of a television. Whilst some would call us arrogant, I prefer the term ''patriotic'' to describe our devotion towards this particular show. When someone from Swindon gets out of Swindon and hits the big screen, it's a great sense of victory and pride for not only them, but the rest of us, too. Gives us a hope that maybe one day, something like that could happen to us.
Not that it ever does.